So...I'm reading a REALLY funny book the other night..."When Sisterhood Was In Flower", by Florence King, when I came upon a passage that reminded me irresistably of a picture that I had seen a while back, of Supergirl. It was posted on "When Fangirls Attack", and created by Kate Willaert, and it just made me laugh and cry at the same time.
I give you...!
In the following exchange, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Heh heh.
IN THE COUNTY OF METROPOLIS.....ss.
Ms. Barbara Gordon and "Regiment of Women, Inc." (a.k.a. ROW)
"Inflatable You" Lifesize Rubber Dolls, Inc.
For the Plaintiffs: Ms. Jennifer Walters
For the Defendant: Mr. Matthew Murdock
MS. WALTERS: Your Honor, the Plaintiffs contend that the product known as
the Inflatable You Lifesize Rubber Doll, contrary to the manufactuer's claim that it is merely a party novelty, is intended solely for sexual use and furthermore, that it is degrading to women. We therefore ask that an injunction against its manufacture and sale be granted.
Ms. BARBARA GORDON, having first been duly sworn, testified as follows:
Q......(by Ms. Walters) Ms. Gordon, are you the fiancee of Dick Grayson?
A......I was for several years, but he dumped me last year. He said I wasn't viable. I don't know what he meant by that. I've always washed carefully.
THE COURT:.........This is not a divorce hearing. Just answer the question.
Q.......Ms. Gordon, please tell the court what happened on Saturday, July 27th, 2006.
A.......I was worried about Mr. Grayson living alone, so I made a batch of homemade scrapple and took it over to his apartment. He always liked my scrapple. I knocked several times, but there was no answer, so I tried the door and it opened. I went in. And then I saw him. (Witness paused) On the bed.
Q.......What was he doing?
A.......He was having things to do with the rubber woman.
Q.......Do you mean he was simulating sexual intercourse with the Inflatable You doll?
Q.......What did you do?
A.......I got scared and threw the scrapple at them.
Q.......What happened then?
A.......The rubber woman blew up.
Q.......What did your fiancee do?
A.......He yelled for help. He was in pain. The rubber woman was wrapped around his private parts.
Q.......Did you offer him assistance?
Q.......What did you do?
A.......I pulled on it.
THE COURT:.....Order in the Court.
Q.......Were you able to get it off?
THE COURT:......Order, order order!
Q.......What happened then?
A.......He had a heart attack.
Q.......Ms. Gordon, I show you the remains of the rubber doll that was removed from your fiancee at the morgue. Is this what you saw on him?
MS. WALTERS:....Your Honor, I request that this be marked an entered as Plaintiffs' Exhibit 1.
(The Exhibit, being a torn and shredded piece of flesh-colored latex and bearing two sections of what apeared to be blonde hair or hair substitute on the head and pubic regions, and containing a facsimile of facial features as well as a partially dislodged mouthpiece and ripped air valve in the lumbar region, was marked and entered as Plaintiffs' Exhibit 1)
Q.......(by Ms. Walters): Ms. Gordon, I show you an advertisement from the magazine "Hung", describing the item known as the Inflatable You Lifesize Rubber Doll, and ask you to read it into the record.
A.......I can't, it's too dirty.
THE COURT:.....The Clerk will read it.
THE CLERK:.....Are you lonely? Do you want a girl who will obey your every wish and command? Then get acquainted with Kara, who never says no. Kara is five-feet-two inches tall and measures 44-23-35 from the top down, and Kara's top is always down.
THE COURT:.....Order in the Court. If the spectators can't be serious, they can leave. Bailiff, clear the courtroom.
(Whereupon the courtroom was cleared)
THE COURT......The Clerk will continue the reading.
THE CLERK......Kara has real, authentic, lifelike features, exact in every detail to a real live girl. Nothing is missing, and we mean nothing.
THE COURT:.....Bailiff, pull yourself together or get out. I'm warning you, Bailiff. All right, get out. We'll recess for fifteen minutes while I find a new Bailiff.
(Whereupon a fifteen-minute recess was called)
THE COURT.......All right, Mr. Clerk, let's hear the rest of it.
THE CLERK.......Kara loves to be dominated and will roll over at the snap of your fingers to try something new and different. She can take anything that you can give and best of all, she never stops smiling. Order her today. Metropolis residents please add five percent-....
THE COURT......All right, never mind the rest.
Ms. Walters.....We request that the ad be marked and entered, Your Honor.
(The Exhibit, being a piece of paper of the type known as pulp, bearing a representation of said product lying on a bed beside a human male clad in a towel and containing a perforated coupon, was marked and entered as Plaintiffs' Exhibit 2)
Ms. Walters.....Your Honor, I have here a new doll exactly like the one owned and used by Ms. Gordon's late fiancee. I ask the Court's permission to inflate it.
THE COURT.......What is your purpose?
Ms. Walters......I would like to enter it, Your Honor.
THE COURT.......Mr. Clerk, I will not tolerate levity from the officials of this court. You are in contempt. Get out. I said, get out. Bailiff, help him up and get him out of here.
(Whereupon the Clerk and the Bailiff left the Courtroom)
THE COURT.......There is no need to blow it up, Ms. Walters, I grasp the principle. I'm going to dismiss this case. Leave this courtroom, Ms. Walters, and take that latex love goddess with you. Case dismissed.
(Whereupon the Court was adjourned)
(please note that this is the original cover, and not the wonderful one made by Kate. I somehow managed to lose the one that Kate made, and have been recently trying to restore the scans in my archives, because of some idiotic housecleaning in my photobucket. Please accept my apologies. However, the original is pretty outrageous as well.)