Review of Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage

Is it possible to hate and like something at the same time? I've always rather liked Howard Chaykin, mainly due to American Flagg, and Power and Glory, which was quite funny, so I was interested in what he was going to do to Guy Gardner, probably my favorite Green Lantern. My feelings however, are mixed, to say the least.

It is as though he read through Beau Smith's "Warrior", and cherry-picked out the parts that he liked, while ignoring completely the character developments that Mr. Smith gave to Guy. He has Guy acting like a complete jerk of course, as bad as he ever was in the old Justice League, when he was a brain-dead 10-year old, but he hasn't been that way in quite some time, due to the aforesaid developments of Beau Smith and Geoff Johns.

He also brought back the Tormocks, which I had thought were wiped out by Guy as Warrior, Lobo, Hawkman, Wonder Woman and Probert waaaaaay back when. Also, isn't Guy supposed to be the LAST Vuldarian? Why are there other Vuldarians around?

I am assuming that this takes place AFTER "Rebirth", but BEFORE GLC:Recharge. So how is it the Guy's Bar is rebuilt and undamaged? In Rebirth, it was pretty much demolished. And where is Buck Wargo, Veronna etc.?

And then, we come to Gnort. Gnort has ALWAYS been comic relief, he's never been treated with dignity in his entire career...so why start now? Gnort Esplanade Gneesmacher has always had a terrible canine crush on Guy...and now he's yelling at him, and insulting him, and being quite frankly, a bit of a prick. I could see him going to Guy for help, slobbering over him and possibly humping his leg, but insulting him? And Guy DOESN'T deck him!

A great deal is made of the two women that are supposed to be meeting to hammer out some peace proposals, with Guy as the arbitrater. One is Thanagarian, and one is a Rannian Green Lantern cadet, who is experiencing some doubts. When they meet,
Guy makes some slightly lewd comments, and then points out (accurately) the problems with their positions. They overreact in my opinion, and are every bit as rude back to him, which doesn't give them much moral superiority really. I also fail to see how some Thanagarian Major, and a mere GL cadet have ANY kind of authority to be making peace proposals. Seriously, why would anybody listen to these two? I mean, they went to GNORT of all people for help. Granted, he seems to be all grim and gritty now, but still! This is a guy that Guy used to trick into chasing comets to get him out of his hair! Guy was the only person in the entire universe, who took him seriously enough to get him into the REAL Green Lantern Corps! Even the Guardians became hysterical with laughter at the thought of it. (See GL #13, Vol III)

I'm sorry that Gnort is apparently having issues, but why is he so pissed at Guy, who is on earth, and has only recently become a Green Lantern again? Rann and Thanagar are a little out of his jurisdiction...this is before he became head honcho for the Guardians.

On the other hand, I LOVED how Guy looks in a suit. Nice shoes too. And for some really strange reason, I like the carpet at "Warriors". So, the art had its moments, and I actually snickered at the Hitler/Batman joke. Heh heh.

But in the end I was left scratching me head, and going what the hey? All these disparate plot lines have been dumped in our laps, with no explanations. If you weren't familiar with the Green Lanterns or any of the characters, maybe this would be ok, but I AM familiar with them, and it annoys the heck out of me. Nevertheless, I'll be waiting for the second issue, just to see what the else can possibly happen.

Why I hate computers

Gahhhhhh! My website won't come up, I've forgotten my password or something, and my little icon thingie has disappeared, and my teenager is nowhere in sight. Google is telling me that I have to sign in with a new password and make a new website,which I don't want to do, since I am rather fond of the old one.

Things are supposed to work! My car is supposed to run, my washer and dryer are supposed to wash and dry, and the computer is supposed to take me where I want it to, and not add things like viruses and spam and porn. Things are supposed to run smoothly people, and I am in a serious snit over this. *pant pant*.

Ok, resident teenage computer genius has saved me from myself, and I am hoping...HOPING that everything is back to normal.

And Kyle Rayner has a really cute butt.

Nazi Green Lanterns

Whoo boy, is this one weird book. This is an Elseworlds tale, told in Green Lantern Annual #3, written by David de Vries, with art by Dean Zachary. In this alternative reality, Hitler won, and the whole world is under Nazi domination. Heinrich Himmler, leader of the SS, has pledged himself to some scaley lizard alien, and has gained the power of the "Ring".

That's a pretty mind-boggling beginning, and it just gets stranger and stranger. Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner are good little Nazi officers, while Oliver Queen is leading the resistance with his gang of Green Lanterns. They are inducting John Stewart, when their group gets attacked, and Ollie is killed, along with most of the others, although John manages to escape...right into the arms of Carol Ferris! Oh, the plot thickens.

Creepy aliens are chasing Hal, and Guy is hanging out with this hot chick who apparently runs things, named Karelia. Meanwhile Hal ends up with a yellow ring, it is rather convoluted how, and beats the crap out of Guy, when he tries to confiscate it for the State. So at least a few things haven't changed! Karelia sacrifices the remaining captive Green Lanterns and gives another ring to Guy, who looks amazingly hot in his little Nazi outfit. I think it must be the hair.

All thrilled with his ring, Hal goes off to find Carol and finds her in bed with John Stewart. He's less than pleased, mainly because they are all rotten racist creeps now, but he takes off and leaves them alone, only to be captured by Guy, who is must be admitted is much more efficient than Hal when it comes to being really evil. John and Carol are about to be executed, when Hal busts in to save them, which is kind of strange considering he was trying to kill John just a little while ago. Guy and Hal fight with the green and yellow rings for quite a number of panels, but Hal wins of course, and then is being seduced by Karelia who wants the ring for reasons of her own. Turns out she is the evil lizard alien from waaaaay back in the beginning. Somehow John gets loose and kills Karelia, who promptly blows up in a very messy fashion. This makes Guy cranky, and while Hal is standing there bloviating, Guy stabs him dead, which is certainly something out of the ordinary. However, as he stands there gloating over Hal's body, John picks up Hal's ring, and after a whole lot of pages of fighting and insults, he kills Guy, who although he was quite nasty, was a lot tougher than Hal.

So John ends up the one true Green Lantern, and he gets to save the earth from the Nazis and gets the girl too. I realize that this was an Elseworlds story, but I don't really understand quite what it was that the writer was trying to convey. Nazis are bad? Well, duh! John ends up being the hero, which is nice, but he really doesn't have much of a personality, and he sure doesn't have the best lines. To be frank, Hal is kind of a weenie. Guy has the best outfit and gets to be the most evil which is always fun. All and all, kind of a strange little book.

A Guy and his Gnort: Part Four

And now, the stunning conclusion to our little tale. As seen in the last issue, Gnort and Guy have been captured and tortured by the nasty old Qwardians, and have been just dragged into the great hall, to be confronted by a whole passel of Sinestros, and one HUMONGOUS Sinestro! Guy is understandably rather befuddled by this, so the little Sinestros show that they are really just wearing masks...but they're STILL EVIL! Then they give a little demonstration, and the giant Sinestro breathes EVIL YELLOW FLAMES!! oooh bugger.

So....they decide to torture Guy a little bit more with the flames, to get him to give up Hal. Oddly enough this doesn't work. You'd think that Guy would be just dying to show up Hal, but he takes it like a man. So they bring in Gnort's Uncle Gnewmann, to add a little persuasion. They are goingt to send ol'Uncle to that little dog patch in the sky, but Gnort cracks and tells them what they want to know. Guy is a little cranky, but surprisingly philosophical about it.

So a horde of ravaging Qwardians are mounted on their cool yellow space cycles and head out looking for Hal Jordan, in order to have their terrible terrible vengeance. Meanwhile...They lock Guy and Gnort back up against the wall. Gnort is pretty depressed, snivelling to himself about how all he wanted to do was be a member of the GL corps, and now he's gone and sold out ol' Hal. Guy is caustic, but not to nasty all things considered. He must be mellowing. Guy's trying to figure out a way to get lose, but the "Anti-Oan" energy is counteracting the green of the rings.

(Guy)......."Jordan would figure it out. He'd just sit ther cool as you please and
toss off some brilliant deduction. But could ol'Guy do it? No, never,
not the DUMB one. But Jordan...He'd just say something like Anti-oan
power must be like Anti-matter...exploding when it touches regular Oan
power. He'd say, being artificial, its power-reserves can't be as vast
as Oan power, so the explosions would eventually burn it out. He'd come
up with somethin' like that right off the top, but ME?...Hah!"

(Gnort)......."Um...Guy?"

(Guy)........"WHAT!"

(Gnort)......"You didn't just figure it out...didja?"

(Guy)........"Are you deaf or what? I just said Jordan could...Oh."

See? Guy IS smarter than he looks. He activates his ring, and of course it hurts like HELL, but he still does it, and lo and behold, it works! Poor Guy is pretty wasted by the effort, but he frees Gnort, and they go off to fight the remaining Qwardians. Gnort points out that he doesn't have his ring, so Guy agrees and...drops him. Gnort however, manages to catch the scent of the Qwardian who took his ring, while Guy is fighting off bad guys. Guy isn't doing to well unfortunately, getting another blast of the yellow fire from humongous Sinestro, while Gnort confronts the guard who took his ring. The Qwardian is boasting about how they are going to fry and filet Guy,and Gnort finally has enough and bares his...BIG POINTY FANGS! Wow! He smacks down the other guards with a giant green bone, and basically Pulls Guy's chestnuts out of the fire. Then they go to destroy the flame-spouting head. The little Sinestros shout that by destroying it, Gnort will destroy his OWN power, but he doesn't care! That's one heck of a dog! And Cablooooey!

Guy is finally able to warn Hal who is flying through space and tell him about the Qwardians on his tail. Hal is pretty snarky about it at first, but eventually does listen, and prepares a little surprise of his own for the posse.

The last few Qwardians back in the chamber are beating on Gnort, but Guy isn't having any of that, and pulls him out, making a worm-hole kind of construct to get them the heck out of there just before the entire chamber blows up. It naturally dumps them back where they started, in front of the fake Green Lanterns, who are pissed and ready to rumble. Guy points out that now they don't have rings anymore, all the fake Guardians and GL's are now powerless. Guy's ready to make them pay, but rather unusually, just says the heck with it, and lets them all go. I imagine that even Guy Gardner is feeling a little pooped by now. So he grabs Gnort, and takes him back to his planet. Gnort is feeling pretty sad that he's lost his powers, but Guy says that you never know, which gets his little doggie hopes up a bit.

All in all a silly romp, with lots of action, comedy and some interesting character development. This is one of my favorite of the Gerald Jones era, and it is kind of a shame that things went to on to become a bit depressing later.

A Guy and his Gnort: Part Three

Aaaaaaannnndd...continuing from last issue, Guy and Gnort have finally caught up with the faux Guardians, AKA the Poglachi. These are a bunch of clowns who are creating new Green Lanterns at the bequest of the Qwardians, to undermine the REAL Lanterns...and also apparently to have a little fun at their expense. No really, that is their purpose in life. So they introduce the new corps to Guy, who just really can't quite believe what he's seeing.

There is Hubba-7 from Pheromone-5. He just wants to make out with something...anaything. Eeeuuwwwww. There's Patine of Betelgeuse, who keeps changing her hair and makeup and clothes. For REAL happiness, there are Thoom and Boom. Think of Marvel's Thing only made out of bricks. They just fight...each other. That's all they do. Oh and keep score of how many times they've fought each other. Then there is Skronk, an "aficionado of visual action literature." who used to have trouble finding mint and rare issues. And Spudd, who can now watch situation comedies from anywhere in the galaxy, and Blorb...well, Blorb is an artist. And he SURE doesn't look anything like Kyle.

Finally, there is Meralda, who preserves order throughout the Cosmos...by dusting and straintening pictures, and Vixi of ZZix, a strange little fox-like creature who makes the final mistake of giving Guy a hot-foot. Next to THESE guys,
Gnort is starting to look like a model of efficiency.

The "Guardians" finally get around to making Guy an offer they think he can't refuse. Think of all the things that he could do with one of THEIR power rings! They ARE pretty persuasive, and Guy even fantasizes for a couple of seconds...mainly about how to impress those Justice League dames, but the fake Guardians make the mistake of encouraging him, and pointing out how well he'll fit in with the rest of the group. Uh oh. Guy finally loses it and beats the living crap out of everybody, including the final new corps member, a large purple lunk named Buk-50, the strongest furniture mover in the universe. Guy can't believe that this jerk would use his power ring to be a furniture mover, but Buk points out that those guys make pretty good money, and he gets time and a half on weekends and double time on holidays. At this point, Guy's brain just breaks and he blasts him.

Meanwhile, Gnort has been dithering on the ground, not quite knowing what to do. The fake Guardians want him to take out Guy, since he's making mincemeat of Gnort's fellow corpsmembers, but Gnort has a serious canine-crush on Guy and can't bring himself to hurt him. Guy is being attacked by the final member of the corps, and Gnort can't contain himself. He flies up to help Guy, and inadvertently blasts Meralda as she is trying to blast Guy, which hits a mirror, which hits another mirror, which of course hits Guy.

Fade to black. Guy wakes up to find himself clamped to a prison wall along with Gnort. He's delighted to realize that he still has his ring, but when he tries to free himself, he just gets zapped...and nastily. Gnort tells him that the guys who imprisoned them have an "Anti-oan Ring Power" that can counterattack anything Guy tries with his ring. At this point they are interrupted by several Qwardians, who bloviate about Hal Jordan for quite some time, and then demand that Guy tell them where Jordan is. Naturally Guy tells them where to stick it, and they proceed to torture him into telling them where Jordan is located. Guy STILL doesn't crack, so they decide that they'll torture Gnort instead.

"Oh blast. You Lanterns are al lalike...stupidly stubborn. Well, we have
learned how to turn you own idiot virtues against you...we will force you to
talk by torturing your FRIEND!"......(Evil Qwardian)

"Urf?"...........(Gnort)

"You think what YOU experienced was painful? Your friend will know that...and
ten times WORSE! Slowly, slowly his flesh will turn to molten fat...his hair
to cinders...his bones to ash...".........(Evil Qwardian)

"Wait...don't do it. Don't do it...unless you can promise me one thing..."
(Guy)

"And what is that?"........(Evil Qwardian"

"Promise me you'll open a window! I can't stand the smell of burning fur!"
(Guy)

This of course completely stumps the poor Qwardians. Guy obviously isn't quite like dealing with Hal Jordan. *snicker*The head Torturer stomps off in a huff, but demands that they bring the two of them to the CHAMBER OF THE MASTER. Cue the spooky music. Gnort is relieved but still a bit on the confused side, asking Guy to tell him that he was just bluffing. Guy is like oh yeah...sure, heh heh. Meanwhile he has some misgivings about the identity of the MASTER, and turns out to be right when they are dragged in, and see....SINESTRO! Who is of course dead.

Oh wait, there are a whole BUNCH of Sinestros! Including a GIANT Sinestro sitting on a really cool gold throne!!! Cue the cliffhanger!

A Guy and his Gnort; part Two

Ok, enough prologue, now we are getting to it! Since the Guardians have never even heard of Gnort, Guy is determined to go to Gnort's home planet and straighten things out. Gnort of course, thinks this is a FABULOUS idea, and beguiles the trip by singing to the tune of "Green Acres":

Greeeeeeeen Lantern is the guy to be!
Power Ringin' is the life for me!
Ring-slinging' through the Gal-ax-y...
Keep your Planet and gimme that Battery!

Kind of catchy eh? After several pummelings by an increasingly agitated Guy, they do eventually find Gnort's planet...a canine paradise full of bushes and fire hydrants. Gnort introduces Guy as his "assistant" which goes over about as well as you would imagine. Guy is getting pretty fed up with Gnort's innocent boasting, especially because it reminds him of...himself.

Bhwahahahaha! So, Gnort's uncle Gnewmann is the one who gave him his power ring, since Gnewmann is in "tight" with the Guardians. Guy isn't buying this for a minute and they go and find Uncle Gnewmann in his lair...complete with steaks hanging off of trees and a hot tub shaped like a dog dish. While Guy demands to know what is really going on, Uncle Gnewmann, distracts Gnort by throwing a ball for him to fetch. No, I am NOT making this up. And, while Guy is distracted by Gnort's slobbery ball, Uncle Gnewmann sends a secret signal...the the Qwardians! Oooohhhh!

Guy can't stand it any more, and heads out with Gnort again, this time to find Hal Jordan, who is happily enjoying a book, some coffee and a bit of solitude. Needless to say, THAT doesn't last long. Guy starts babbling about how'sHaldoing, and he wasjustintheneighborhood. Hal of course isn't buying Guy's story, and poor
Guy is forced to finally admit that he needs some help finding these weird new Guardians. Hal realizes that perhaps this is why he's having so much trouble recruiting, and he and Guy are actually getting along and exchanging some useful information, but of course Guy just can't keep his mouth shut and suggests that Hal go out and recruit Arisia, so Hal boots him and Gnort out.




Gotta love the hearts. So Guy and Gnort head out to find the faux Guardians, and run into a pair of Qwardians, who are convinced that they are fighting Hal Jordan, and keep expecting some clever ruse on the part of the Green Lantern. Little do they know what they are dealing with, Guy just mows them down like bowling pins. And finally, they see the tents of the Guardians in the distance. Wait a minute...tents?

Yup. It just keeps getting better and better.

A Guy and his Gnort

In Green Lantern, vol.III, from issue 9-12, was one of my favorite story lines, the aforementioned "A Guy and his Gnort" Written by Gerard Jones, with art by Joe Staton, it was a welcome bit of comedy relief after all the sturm und drang of the previous episodes.

After the death of the Old Timer, the Guardians have returned and are in the process of fixing the battery and want to reassemble the Corps. In the meantime, Hal Jordan, John Stewart and Guy Gardner are stuck on Oa, waiting for the Guardians to figure out what to do. There are three positions open at the moment, one as the Green Lantern of sector 2814, one watching over the mosaic and Oa, and the third as a recruiter for the Corps.



Yes, John DOES like Streisand, and one can only assume that Guy has a lovely singing voice. Finally the little blue munchkins show up and assign John to Oa, which they all pretty much expected. Hal is taking it for granted that he is going to be assigned to Earth, when he is stunned by the appointment as recruiter. Guy thinks this is hilarious, and then it finally hits him, that HE is the Green Lantern for Earth. He practically does a happy dance, while Hal is busy stuttering. There then follows this delightful bit of dialogue:

Guy says; "You're not blaming ME for this, are you Jordan? I mean, no hard feelings, right?"

Hal points his finger in Guy's face and replies; "None yet. But if I come back and discover Earth's been reduced to a smoking lifeless cinder, I'm gonna be pretty annoyed."

Guy smirks and says; "No chance, dude. This is a new golden age for Mankind, startin' right now!"

Hal turns to John. "I'll be sure to mark it on my calendar."

See? See? They didn't ALWAYS fight! Actually, the three of them are beginning to develop a certain amount of cameraderie, which I became rather fond of.

Guy goes back to Earth, and tries to tell everyone in the Justice League, that yes, he is the one TRUE Green Lantern of Earth. Of course, nobody believes him. Guy is getting more and more frustrated, so he goes out to bust some heads and save the world. And...he runs into none other than...Gnort. For those of you who aren't familiar with Gnort, he is a canine Green Lantern with a serious crush on Guy, who naturally welcomes him by punching him right in the nose. Gnort isn't put off by this in the least, and follows Guy around...well like a puppy. Guy is trying to help some natives on a polynesian island from an erupting volcano and has things pretty much under control, when Gnort screws it all up. Guy is on his very last nerve, and finally calls up one of the Guardians so that they will get Gnort out of his hair. The Guardian would be more than happy to do this, but he's never SEEN Gnort before and has no idea who the heck he is, which leads them to the realization that something odd is going on, and that Guy had better look into it. So, Guy and Gnort fly off into the sunset, and thus endeth part one.

what's up with Mary Worth?

I am one of those weird people who read the daily newspaper, cover to cover (with th exception of the stock exchange), so of course I always read all the comics. This includes for some strange reason, Mary Worth. I don't like Mary Worth. I've NEVER
liked Mary Worth, I consider her to be an annoying and nosy old bat, but out of habit
I STILL read her stupid strip.

And lately, I blush to admit this, but Mary Worth has gotten a tiny bit more interesting. In her last story arc, she was pursued by a creepy Captain Kangaroo, who when rejected by her, got drunk and drove off a cliff and DIED!! Whoa! Pretty hardcore all things considered.

And now, she's facing some competition from another old lady who has moved literally onto her "turf" and is dispensing good advice to all the residents. Does our lovely
Mary seem pleased by this turn of events? Hell no! She's pissed as heck! And she's gone to confront her new rival! I forsee a wondrous battle between the two old biddies. I don't think that there will be any kicks to the head, a la Chris Sims, but wouldn't it be great if there were?

There's a Girl in the Clubhouse...Part Two

Ahhh...Wednesday, sweet Wednesday. Nevertheless after my run-in a few weeks back, I was slightly cautious about entering my beloved Comic book store. But it was such a good week...Green Lantern #14 AND Fables, not to mention lots and lots of other goodies.

So, I got my books and had a lovely discussion with some of the other guys about how lame Civl War is. Actually, when the subject came up, I COULD understand why Sue Richards would leave her kids in Reed's care. I've GOT four kids, and believe me, there were days when I would have left them with Darkseid. Fortunately, those moments usually pass. Personally, going with the darker look for Marvel, I imagine that after leaving the kids without food for a week, Reed will discover that Franklin had to eat the baby to survive. But I digress.

No crazy men jumping out shrieking that I was a GIRL, just a nice and friendly geeky conversation. And that, my Lords and Ladies, is what a great comic book store experience is all about.

Geez, Hal, what the heck did you do?

I don't actually have these issues, but it is pretty obvious that prior to the first Crises, Hal Jordan managed to SERIOUSLY piss off the Guardians, by quitting. His rationale, was that he was tired of not getting any, and wanted to have a real life, and devote it to his one true love, Carol Ferris. So he quit the Green Lantern Corps. Now, it has becomve really obvious that I must find these particular episodes, because the repurcusions seem to be pretty serious.

I don't quite know HOW he told the Guardians, but my only conclusion is that it must have been something similar to the episode in the "Simpsons" where Homer is playing the bongos on Mr. Burn's head. And, quite frankly, I do have a delicious mental picture of Hal doing exactly that to any number of those little blue munchkins. Otherwise, how can you explain that when Crises actually does strike, the small group of Guardians chose to wake up a slightly brain-impaired Guy Gardner, who was a Green Lantern for all of ONE DAY, before he was blown up, tortured, and sent into a years-long coma, and chose HIM to go out and save the universe instead of good old Hal? Even Guy seems a bit surprised by this turn of events, and Hal of course is fit to be tied. But why should Hal even care? Afterall, he's the one who told the Guardians to stick it. But apparently, Carol also told Hal to stick it, and flies off to be a slightly confused super-villainess, so Hal's feeling all depressed.

He's not the only one. The rest of the Green Lantern Corps are also, so it seems, slightly ticked off at Hal. Katma Tui seems in particular to be miffed, since it turns out that she was in love with someone when she was tapped to be a Green Lantern, and Hal tricked her into chosing to save him over her lover, so therefore, OBVIOUSLY, she should join the Corps. She does so, but it seems to have rankled a bit. Fortunately, she and John Stewart spend a lot of time slobbering over each other, which also makes Hal all moody. The rest of the GL Corps seems to be fairly unsympathetic as well.

What I really enjoy in these issues however, is that the Guardians chose Guy instead of Hal, and how he just can't quite believe it. He does everything short of grabbing the Guardian's legs and hanging on and whimpering PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. He even tries sucking up to Guy a bit, which naturally backfires. And all things considered, considering that he really has NO experience to speak of, Guy is doing pretty darned well, getting together a group of villians to go off and fight the Anti-Monitor and stuff. This has to be where Hal's feelings of resentment towards Guy originate, Guy does a pretty spanking good job, and it is just killing Hal. Guy is pissed at Hal, because he has very good reason to be. (Go and read Kalinara about that)

So somebody please, HOW did Hal quit? We really can't blame this one on Parallax.