Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: How DO You Fight In High Heels?

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Saturday, November 07, 2009

How DO You Fight In High Heels?

So...last evening, my Sweet Baboo and I, along with our son and his girlfriend attended the fiftieth anniversary Ball, for the Connecticut Valley Porsche Club. This was one heck of an affair, black tie, prime rib, open bar and live band...the whole nine yards. And a lovely time was had by all. There were a lot of really gorgeous dresses on display, I myself, was tastefully attired in a long black dress with sparkly things. Sometimes I just can't resist sequins.

In general, the crowd was on the older and decidedly affluent side. These are Porsches after all. And mixed in with the gray hair,was a small but quite vocal bunch of trophy wives. I think that they must breed them somewhere, as they all had the exact same shade of blonde hair and fake boobs. We did wonder if the right ones went home with the right men, as they all had a tendancy to look and dress alike.

And what does all this have to do with comics you may ask? I'm getting to that, but please indulge my cattiness. Because, in addition to the really gorgeous gowns, there were some really...outrageous outfits, and some of them seemed to have been designed with comicbook heroines in mind. There was one woman for example, who was wearing a short backless and almost frontless dress. Power Girl immediately sprang to mind. There was another young lady in black fishnets and a mini-skirt. Black Canary! And high high heels.

What Caryn (my son's adorable girlfriend) and I couldn't understand, was that at the end of the evening, our feet were killing us, since we were both wearing nice high-heeled shoes. As were a lot of OTHER ladies, whose feet were also killing them. How in the HELL do Super Heroines run around kicking people in the face, without breaking their ankles, or falling out of their incredibly low-cut costumes? Seeing some of this stuff for REAL, on real women, made me realize how utterly impractical it all is. If you can't make it to the other side of the dance floor without twisting your ankles, then how the heck are you going to chase bad guys? And one ill-advised twist of your torso, and unless you are using industrial strength duct tape, your bosoms are going to put somebody's eye out.

Of course, it could just be the hangover and the lack of sleep that is making me so cranky. And the fact that my eye-candy days are probably behind me. But I'm beginning to think that all Peej would really have to do in the REAL world is just show up and...breathe. And all the villains would simply surrender.

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19 Comments:

At 9:20 AM, Blogger MetFanMac said...

This was something I noticed in (of all places) the Incredibles movie. Both the mother and daughter were wearing heels; it's a testament to the movie that the rest of it was so darn practical-minded about heroing that I found myself wondering just what good they were for. (They were even RUNNING in them! Running! What was Edna Mode thinking??)

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger SallyP said...

You cannot run in high heels. At least not in stilettos. You cannot fight in high heels. Heck, I can barely WALK in high heels.

You also cannot run without a bra, at least not if you are built like most super heroines. Trust me...it hurts like hell.

 
At 8:03 PM, OpenID Aridawnia said...

The Action Heroine's Handbook actually has instructions for running in high heels!

 
At 11:13 PM, Blogger Your Obedient Serpent said...

...I don't recall ever SEEING Power Girl in high heels before.

I was quite pleased to note recently that Wonder Woman is not only wearing flats these days, but making rude comments about high heels on other characters.

I dislike heels. I don't find them sexy or attractive, any more than I find bound feet attractive. Thank goodness, my wife doesn't wear them.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Wonder Woman has finally seen the light. And so has Black Canary, she's been wearing nice thick boots lately. But that's a fairly new development.

On the other hand, I suppose that you could use a stiletto heel as a weapon. That would probably hurt.

 
At 11:40 AM, Anonymous wik said...

I think we can thank Oracle for the change to regular boots for Dinah. It's one of the few things that has stayed since the costume introduced at the start of Birds of Prey, even though she has mostly returned to her original costume with minor variations (I like that she retained the 'zip up to the neck' variant of her vest as well).
That said, I loved that bit from JLA: Year One when Flash is criticising the impracticality of heels in battle and Black Canary twists his mask to one side to leave him partially blinded, using those little wings, and remarks "You don't say!"

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Fernando said...

At first is funny to see all those bimbos fighting in these imposible suits, but truth is, it gets somehow weird after some time.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Wik, that was a truly classic moment.

Fernando, please...they're not bimbos.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Fernando said...

Again my english fails me... that´s what I get for learning english watching tv shows :X

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger SallyP said...

Ahhh...good old American Television. So wonderful, and yet so horrible at the same time.

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Romanticide said...

I'm sure that in the case of the heroines who can fly by their own means isn't much of a problem, considering they aren't making their feet hold their whole weight. Heels end as a mostly useless accesory but at leat they aren't obstructive.
But in the case of the ones affected by gravity (those who fly by help of technology or don't fly at all)I think heels are a ridiculous idea.

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger Tor Hershman said...

She must have learned to fight from Ed Wood.

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger LissBirds said...

Yes! Thank yoU!! I'm not the only one to think heels are ridiculous! Yes, you can run in high heels. IN A STRAIGHT LINE. Soon as you're trying to do any lateral movement or twisting in heels it starts to get dangerous.

The only female comic character who doesn't bother me wearing heels is Catwoman. I have no idea why, maybe because she's a villain.

What bugs me more than the high heels are half-naked heroines. Honestly? The last thing you need to worry about in battle is feeling like your clothes could come off. It's bad enough wearing something strapless out to dinner let alone running around fighting. Plunging necklines, (or lack thereof), bikinis, vertical bras (a la Starfire) are completely impractical. And Carol Ferris looks ridiculous! How could any enemy take her seriously?! And Starfire? Come on!! That outfit wouldn't even stay up without wardrobe tape. And that tape comes right off when you sweat.

Lets see a Batman and Superman wear high-cut Speedos and see how ridiculous they look while fighting crime.

And don't get me started on capes...

 
At 1:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can't really fight in high heels but a lot of things don't really work in the real world.
I don't really think about it or let it bother me.
...but my vampires need high heels.

 
At 5:48 PM, Anonymous INDIANA HISTORICAL SOCIETY said...

Amazing Article, I kind of think we should elect aliens for congress, maybe things would run a little better. hopefully soon have updates that I love your post.

 
At 6:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think all crime fighting women should wear black leather pumps with 6 inch stiletto heels. All it takes is a little practice to walk, run and fight in them. Real crime fighting women wear these heels, just watch TV and you'll see it. If office workers can walk all day in these heels, so can everyone else. Be hot and feminine, wear heels. Women should always wear super high heels, even when crime fighting. Heels are what make them women. You don't want to be guys, do you? Only lesbians wear flat shoes.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Anonymous...please don't be a jerk.

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Women wear high heels to show they're superior to men in every way. Women can wear 5 to 6 inch stilettos all day long and men just drool at them because men can't do it. I worked in an office for 30 years and wore my spikes and minidress every day. I never had any foot problems. Heels show that we're superior to men. By the way, I'm a Lesbian.

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

@SallyP Yes she is a bimbo...and so are you!

 

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