Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: Please Pardon My Muffled Laughter

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Saturday, February 07, 2009

Please Pardon My Muffled Laughter

I've have just discovered the completely disconcerting news that Marvel is going to be discontinuing the regular "Wolverine" book, and replace it with...snicker..."DARK WOLVERINE!"

Bwhahahahahahaha!

I'm sorry, if I've offended any Marvel or Wolverine fans, but really, I can hardly contain myself. And I've always rather liked Wolverine. As of late however, he has become ludicrously over-exposed. Heck, he may appear in more books than Batman, and that's a lot of books. But to take what is a grim and gritty character, who was CREATED to be grim and gritty and a little dark, and morally ambivalent, and go to the extreme of making a DARK dark character just strikes me as absurd.

Actually, it's not going to actually BE Wolverine, but his incredibly annoying illegitimate offspring, Daken. Logan discovered recently that he had a son, who had been raised to hate him, and was evil...EVIL! He also has claws and a really really horrible haircut and tatoos. And for a member of the Logan family to have a bad haircut is really horrifying. It's going to be written by Daniel Way, and drawn by Marjorie Liu, and will replace the regular Wolverine book. I dropped this a couple of years ago out of sheer boredom, and I doubt, I really doubt that I'll be picking it up.

The gist of course, is that young Daken will be dressed up in Wolverine's old brown costume and has been recruited by Norman Osborn to hang out with the new Dark Avengers. (snicker) All the bad and terrible things that Dark Wolverine does will be chalked up to the REAL Wolverine, and this Will Be Bad. Of course, the fact that the Dark Wolverine is probably a foot taller than the REAL Wolverine will not be noticed by anyone. Nor the fact that the REAL Wolverine is still running around the Marvel Universe in his blue and yellow togs, and still appearing in practically every book. Or that all the REAL Wolverine has to do, to refute the idea that he's gone...DARK...is to show up and fight his obnoxious son. But hey, Norman Osborn is an evil genius, and the general population in the Marvel Universe consists of NOTHING but stupid people.

In addition to this mind-boggling idea, Marvel is also resurrecting the old New X-Men, or formerly teen-aged X-Men, or a bunch of characters that nobody really cares about too much anymore. AND Chris Claremone is going to be back on an X title, trying to rekindle that ol' Mutant Magic.

I'll be busy reading Green Lantern.

18 Comments:

At 1:41 PM, Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Dark Wolverine? Oh Marvel, why do task me so? I assume they're waiting until after the Wolverine movie has been out of theaters. Wouldn't want to confuse all those new readers the movie will bring in!

I'm being sarcastic, but I really hope I'm wrong and it does bring in new readers who enjoy it and stick around.

As for Claremont back on the X-Men. . . I know his skills had been in decline for awhile (or his style has just been imitated so much it seems all the more dated), but he really seems to be lacking something since the heart attack in 2006. His stories are less internally coherent than they used to be. I wish Tom Grummett could pull artist duty on something other than a Claremont book. There has to be a title somewhere at Marvel that could use his solid, clearly depicting action, ON TIME art.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger notintheface said...

What's next, "Dark Punisher"? He kills people AND eats their brains?

That "dark" thing only works when it's a version of a character who ISN'T ALREADY dark, like Flash or Spidey or Superman or...Hal.

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger notintheface said...

Dark Hal - He doesn't get head injuries. He GIVES THEM.

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger MetFanMac said...

"and the general population in the Marvel Universe consists of NOTHING but stupid people."

Motto.

 
At 4:35 PM, Anonymous TotalToyz said...

As of late however, he has become ludicrously over-exposed.

Isn't that a bit like saying the ocean has, of late, become quite damp?

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Baal said...

The Dark Wolverine news has me actually looking forward to the book, which I have dropped an issue or two after sampling it every time I try) because of how well Liu writes. And the New Mutants? Can'y come soon enough!

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger SallyP said...

It just strikes me as being a little redundant. Wolverine is a character that already kills and goes berserk, and generally behaves in a less than sterling fashion. He's an anti-hero, which is fine, and I've been somewhat fond of the character. But taking a dark character and making him...darker, just seems a bit...odd.

It worked with Phoenix, because she was Jean, and she was GOOD. That's why it was so startling when she went to the bad.

I know that it's Wolverine's obnoxious son Daken, but again, he's already a mean nasty character, so where is the surprise?

 
At 9:12 PM, OpenID scottyquick said...

What's next? Daredevil: Noir?

(also holy crap they picked the crappiest character in Marvel and stuck him with the crappiest writer in Marvel)

 
At 10:30 PM, Blogger GL2814E said...

"Dark Hal- He doesn't get head injuries. He gives them."

BWAHAHAHAHA

Daken the Dark Wolverine...

I wish I worked at Marvel, then I could create Dark Speedball...

Oh wait, they beat me to it.

 
At 11:30 PM, Blogger Cove West said...

"From the pages of WAR OF KINGS...

"...DARK DARKHAWK!

"And coming soon from DC...

"DARK SIMON DARK (SIMON!)!"

And as not-sure-that-will-work-the-way-it-reads-in-synopsis as Claremont's original Dark Wolverine Saga seemed, at least it was IN UNCANNY, where he could do dark things to bright people. Doing it in the solo title -- who would care? "Oooh, someone dressed like Wolverine is doing DARK things in those advetures Logan always has that we rarely know about and usually think he makes up so Kurt will buy him beer? If only Logan had his adamantium back...wait, what? Since when? Je-eaaan, why didn't you tell me Logan got his adamantium back! Wait, Jean's where?"

Is "Dark" the new "New" at Marvel? What's next, "Dead Avengers?" "Gray and Slightly Aged Excalibur?" "Used Captain Britain and M:13-14=-1?" "The Vaguely Unsettling Spider-Man?" Why not just go whole hog: "Ms. Marvel Is Pissed And She's Gonna Put A Boot Up Your Ass" or "These Warriors Are So Spankin'-Fresh That They're Jailbait, Know What I'm Sayin'?"

Marvel, the House of Creative Adverbs!

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

When they decide to come out with Dark Squirrel Girl, I'm going to have a heart attack.

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Rich said...

"When they decide to come out with Dark Squirrel Girl, I'm going to have a heart attack."

Dark Squirrel Girl - When she says she'll rip off your nuts, you'd better believe it!

"and the general population in the Marvel Universe consists of NOTHING but stupid people."

Which explains why blithering imbeciles like Osborne are considered Evil Geniuses. IQ is graded on a curve, after all.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger notintheface said...

Wait, the son's name is "Daken"? Is it pronounced like "Dokken"?

The only way in hell I'm ever picking up any of these new Wolverine books is if they use the phrase "ROCKIN' WITH DAKEN".

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger notintheface said...

Also, are the various "Dark" characters going to use the "Dark" prefix when referring to each other, the way Bill & Ted's evil doppelgangers always called each other "Evil Bill" and "Evil Ted" in "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey"?

The questions are endless.

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Duskdog said...

This is why I abandoned ship when the real Avengers went away to Marvel-Hates-Us Land. Nearly every character I used to love so very much has been either killed, or become evil and insane, or both. And for what? To make way for stuff like "Dark Wolverine"?

I'd read the current ridiculous villain plot ONLY if someone could reliably promise me that it will end with Loki tearing Osborne's spleen out, painting a little smiley-face on it, handing it to him, and then walking away. Totally deadpan.

I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the Marvel Universe, but right now they've got nothing for me. I hope that someday the trend will swing back into a direction that I can enjoy again.

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger SallyP said...

I know the feeling. I used to be SUCH a Marvelite, but I just can't seem to muster any enthusiasm lately. Incredible Hercules is about the only book of Marvel's that I'm currently reading.

I'm seriously thinking of selling off my X-Men collection, and it goes all the way back to Giant-Sized X-Men, but I just don't read them anymore.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger notintheface said...

Marvel's got a lot of talented writers in their stable (Brubaker, Fraction, Parker, Slott, Van Lente, etc.) but their editorial decision-making has been for crap lately.

Sal, read the Franklin Richards: Son of a Genius specials. Those are definitely NOT too dark.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Cove West said...

Though it does make me wonder: with all the heroes going Dark, what's left for the villains?

Doctor Doo-right, Annie-alice, Mag-neat-o, A-pack-o'-lips, Mister Sunnystir, the Very Nice Man from Northern China, and Loki, the God of Eating Vegetables, teaming up for a Super-dooper-villain Sing-along? Who's Dark Wolverine going to be fighting, Snaggletooth?

notintheface is right; this could go on forever!

And I agree, it's all getting to be too oppressive. I've not picked up new comics since Thanksgiving, and I can't say I miss my weekly sojourn to pick up my softcore porn, dismemberment manuals, and paranoia-fueled freakouts that are the modern DC and Marvel Universes. What the hell happened? Twenty years ago, when comics were actually sorta cool and popular and not just model sheets for Hollywood, books like BLUE BEETLE and INCREDIBLE HERCULES would have been blockbusters. Now WOLVERINE isn't dark enough for people? I feel like I need to be an alcoholic to keep from blowing my brains out after reading an issue of freakin' TEEN TITANS. Never thought I'd ask this, but should we maybe think about finding where the Comics Code people are meeting these days, maybe ask them to step in before SPIDER-MAN LOVES DARK DISEMBOWLING WHORE comes out?

 

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