Stars 'n Stripes!

Ah, the stirring battle cry of none other than General Glory. The magnificent Googam, over at "Random Happenstance" has come up with a hysterical critique of DC's version of Captain America. General Glory was created as a spoof by Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis in the old JLI, he was as athletic as Cap, but a lot stupider.

General Glory drives me nuts. Oh, he had his moments in the sun of course, I found his tendancy to launch into long monologues about FDR in the manner of Grandpa Simpson to be rather amusing. His fashion sense was utterly horrific, but somehow appropriate. Max Lord figured that he could serve a purpose for the League, and get them some good publicity, Mom and Apple Pie and all of that. Most of the Leaguers seemed to regard him with tolerance.

Except Guy of course. You see, General Glory, was Guy's hero when he was a little kid. Possibly as a form of escape from his dreadful home life, Guy devoured General Glory comic books and even based the notorious hair cut on that of Ernie...Glory's boy sidekick. When Glory joins the JLI, he is about the only one that can exert any sort of control over Guy, with the possible exceptions of Ice and Batman.

General Glory annoys me, because he ends up totally abusing his power over Guy. Guy calls him "Sir" and tries to stop swearing, and follows his every order as well as he can. Glory starts spouting aphorisms, and pats Guy on the head like a puppy...treats him about the same way too.

Later on, after Guy has the yellow ring, and has just spent a couple of months in space, kidnapped by the Draal, while they made an evil clone of him, Glory goes berserk when the real Guy finally shows up and tries to beat the snot out of him. Poor Guy is trying to explain what really happened, that he's NOT a murderer, and Glory just won't give him the benefit of the doubt, much less calm down and listen to him. Finally Wonder Woman shows up, and at Guy's request, puts her lasso around him. This is the only way the Glory will calm down long enough to listen to the truth. Guy is a bit put out, and I don't blame him.

But the one thing that General Glory did that REALLY cheeses me off, is his encouragment of that gawdawful boxing match between Guy and Blue Beetle, in JLI #52. Ted has put on a bit of weight, and is feeling dumpy and self-concious about his expanding waistline. So he goes down to the gym for a workout, and runs into Glory who is in the middle of a workout of his own, along with Guy. Guy, who one must admit is in pretty good shape, besides being a former gymnast is having a hard time keeping up, and no wonder, since...as he never fails to point out...Glory is the perfect embodiment of healthy super-heroness, blah blah blah.

Ted is already feeling a little on the cranky side, and Guy's picks exactly the wrong time to tease him about his weight. On the other hand, you just KNOW that if their positions were reversed, it would be Ted (AND Booster) who would have been tormenting Guy, so I'm cutting him a little slack. Ted and Guy start fighting, but it is schoolyard kind of stuff, they would have pummelled each other for a bit, and it would have been over...but Glory just HAS to take it to the next level, and decides that the two of them need to fight it out...in the BOXING RING! This just escalates a minor spat into a major production.

The rest of them all think this is just fabulously insane entertainment...with the sole exception of Ice, who is the only sane one amongst them all, realizing that this is a bad...a VERY bad idea. Fire of course is just dying to see Guy get his head handed to him. I'm rather surprised that J'onn is going along with this whole idea, not to mention Bats, who seems to be a bit bemused by the whole plan.

Of course Guy is blustering, but then so is Ted. However, Ted IS a much better hand to hand fighter than Guy, so of course he gets in the first punch. And the second. Glory, who just WON'T shut up, keeps shouting useless advice to Guy, who is beginning to lose his temper. Then Ted gives him a bloody nose and it just gets worse. Ted turns his back on Guy to brag a bit to Bea, and Guy loses whatever good sense he had,and punches Ted right in the kidneys, and then proceeds to kick him when he's down. Finally General Glory manages to regain whatever brains he ever had, and stops Guy. At this point J'onn goes ballistic and fires Guy, while Bea does her best to get her licks in too. Guy stalks off, followed by Ice. Of course, filled with rage and shame, he turns on her too.

Ted is in pretty rough shape, has a couple of broken ribs, but his pride is hurt more than anything. Guy's sitting in his room in the dark when Bea busts in and starts a tirade, then stomps out. There is a lovely couple of panels with Guy standing there with his head down and his shoulders slumped, then he collapses on the end of the bed again and very quietly says..."damn". He's completely ashamed of himself of course, and the funny thing is, from the way that I interpreted it, so is Ted to a degree.

If General Buttinsky hadn't gotten involved, it would have ended up with maybe a bloody nose and a black eye, and then beer all around, and that would have been the end of it.

I really HATE General Glory.