Justice League Quarterly #6

Well, ordinarily I would be delighting you all with scans, but my scanner has decided to misbehave, so I am calling in my expert team of teenagers, including the college kid, home for the holidays. She's still in bed though, so it may take some time. Meanwhile...

Justice League Quarterly was always fun. 80 pages of stories, with room for somes solo tales as well as the usual mayhem. Number six, is one of my favorites, with a fabulous cover of the Elongated Man, the Flash and Fire fighting a giant toy soldier, with the title being: "DEATH in Toyland!" AAAAANNNNDD individual stories with Power Girl, Blue Beetle and The Global Guardians!! How could anybody resist?

Death in Toyland, also titled "Take my wife, Please" is by Mark Waid, and very nicely drawn by Eduardo Barreto. It is a rather sweet story of Ralph and Sue, and the annual attempt by Sue to stump Ralph on his birthday. First there is the classic disappearance of Sue from a locked room, and the strange appearance of a vintage "Land Baron" board game. The game pieces have mysteriously been replaced with an ice cube, Green Lantern ring, lightning bolt etc. So of course, Ralph calls in his buddies from the Justice League, with Flash, Fire, Guy Gardner, Ice and Rocket Red showing up, panting to be of help. Ralph is really getting into the spirit of things, and they all head off to the Toy Company headquarters. Guy flies them there, courtesy of his power ring, and incidentally displaying a really nice butt shot. *sigh*

Speaking of Guy,he has something of a bone to pick with the Toy company. It seems that when he was eight, he used one of their "General Glory Genuine Imitation Toy Parachutes" to jump off the garage with, and it didn't end well. He even offers to show Fire his scar. Heh heh.

The heroes are of course immediately attacked by giant Nutcracker-like soldiers, which is always loads of fun. Guy getting into the spirit of things blows one into smithereens. Ralph would have preferred to get some clues, so Dmitri just knocks one over, with Flash grabbing Ralph and Fire out of the way. Immediately, the shako pops off and out come miniature plastic soldiers...who then proceed to SHOOT FLASH IN THE ASS! A true Bhwahahahha moment indeed. Or as Wally refers to it: "Bratatatatata and a pellet in the butt!" They take care of the soldiers and proceed inside and have a confab with the curator, who is thrilled by their original game, and shines an ultraviolet light on it, so that it can be authenticated. However, instead, a ransom demand shows up on the game board, demanding ten million dollars...your money or your wife! Ralph is a bit stumped, since he doesn't have access to Sue's money

So off they all go to the promenade, and more of the places that are mentioned on the game board. It also gives the artist a chance to throw in some gratuitous...but frankly nice cheese and beefcake. Wally can't understand how Ralph can possibly be enjoying all of the chasing after clues...after all, his wife is missing. Ralph explains that it is all in good fun, and that Sue plans this sort of thing for his birthday all of the time. Wally points out that as a matter of fact, it ISN'T Ralph's birthday, and for the first time, Ralph starts to panic.

They are running along the beach, when what should appear but a giant "toy" boat and some blow-up swim toys. Also the "Land Baron" himself, who turns out to be Sue's nefarious cousin, Augustus Flaubert Dearbon! Truely a name to be reckoned with. He's a bit cranky since Sue inherited the family fortune instead of him, and now he wants it back. Of course they all attack, and of course they are all made fools of, with Guy getting doused by one of the swim toy dragons, Fire getting burned, and all of them getting gassed.

Ralph wakes up in a jail cell, with plexiglass panels beyond the bars, which he discovers as he clonks his head against it. He realizes that they are all imprisoned on the jail from the board game, and slips his hand through the plumbing in order to grab the cell key and free himself. He then frees everybody and they all agree that this has to be a part of the elaborate game they are playing, since any one of them could have gotten free with little or no effort. Off they go to the final spot on the game board, the Moneypenny Hotel...which incidentally is where they started from. A trolley goes by,and they all jump on it, apparently in keeping with the game still, and of course run into dear old Augustus, who is gloating at the trolley terminal. Mass mayhem ensues and there are a lot of explosions and destruction, with Ice of all people squirting a can of oil on a runaway trolley and causing it to derail.

Ralph bursts into the office and tries to grab Dearbon, who...disappears! Just like Sue! But Ralph after spouting a little Holmsian wisdom, reaches out and grabs him...and it turns out that Dearbon is none other than...J'onn J'ones! Conspicuous by his absence, J'onn has been impersonating Sue, the curator at the headquarters and Dearbon all along! But where then is Sue? Why she's actually right there, wearing a white wig and Ice's costume! Everyone is happy and there it ends.

Or does it? It turns out that the entire Justice League was in on the gag, Sue had spent weeks planning it, and trying to keep Guy from spilling the beans, and she's so proud of herself for having stumped Ralph for so long. Except...it turns out that he basically figured it out within minutes of her disappearing and just played along because he enjoyed it, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. And that is one of the reasons that I miss Sue and Ralph. They were just so darned cute together.

The other stories consist of solo outings, with Ted Kord/Blue Beetle trying to lose weight, and not being able to do it until he makes a contest out of it, by trying to beat Power Girl. It is silly and fluffy, but a lot of fun, since of course Booster shows up as well.

Then there is a rather peculiar story about Power Girl, and how she discovers her software company is being run by her "cousin" Gina, and she's feeling left out and useless, and destroys a lot of property, and it turns out that "cousin" Gina is actually an other dimensional magical Imp named Ghy. What the heck?


And finally, there is a story about the Global Guardians with this kind of feral bird girl, and Bialyah and a bunch of other stuff. Again on the weird side. But the Justice League story is so much fun that you don't care.