Justice League Quarterly #4: Cracked Ice

And now for something different. Naw...not really, just poking around in the boxes again, and I came upon this little gem. Not quite as funny as the Martian Manhunter episode with all the chocos, but it does have its moments. I must admit that I rather miss Justice League Quarterly, as well as Green Lantern Quarterly. They had two or three stories in them, all self-contained, and usually fun, that gave the reader a peek behind the scenes, or told a story that wouldn't otherwise have room in a regular issue.

The first story in this issue, concerns the Injustice League, and it is a hoot as usual, but I'm panting to move onto the second story, because it is one of my absolute favorites.

Once again, General Glory is bloviating, and is apparently on Max Lord's very last nerve. When Max finally loses his mind, and wanders off in search of a drink, Glory comes to the conclusion that Max is an alcoholic. This isn't really too important, but it does become something of a running gag throughout.

But let us move on to the really good stuff. Guy, Ice, Fire and Oberon are on a double date, to an East Village New Age Street Fair! I can ONLY assume that this was Fire and Ice's idea, because I think Guy would rather pour acid in his eyes, and Oberon isn't too far behind him. They are even in civvies, which is fun, because Guy is wearing a sweatshirt with a Bat insignia and a circle and bar through it. Guy is subtle that way.

Ice stops at a booth, and is interested in a rather pretty crystal necklace. The charlatan who is selling the stuff is giving them the full spiel, and thinks that Guy should pony up $60 bucks for it, which goes over about as well as you think it would. When the guy starts complaining that Guy is messing with his "aura", Guy of course lifts him up in a green light bubble and then drops him when Ice says to put him down. In the process of course, one of the crystals is cracked. Ice makes Guy pay the proprietor $20 bucks by looking sad. Guy can't stand this of course, and pays up,but he's not very happy about it.

Oberon finds the way that Ice managed to calm Guy down, to be quite impressive, and even Fire admits that she knows what she's doing. So they are wandering around some more, and there is a lot more kvetching by both Guy and Oberon, but Ice and Fire aren't standing for it.

Then they come across some woman who does "spirit channeling". Ice of course, being fairly naive falls for it completely, but even she is disgusted when the woman goes into a "trance" and starts babbling utter gibberish, and then demands money for her "prophecy". Ice is going to knuckle under and pay her,when Fire decides enough is enough and shows how SHE channels FIRE SPIRITS! The old fraud faints in terror, and a hearty Bwhahahaha moment is had by all. In fact, in one of my favorite panels, Guy and Oberon are literally holding on to each other, they are laughing so hard. Then it occurs to them, that they are holding onto each other, and they let go in horror and a loud "Yeeukk!"

Meanwhile...Jack and Petey from the Dr. Fate book, make an appearance, they have their own booth, called "Hell & Back Investigations". Unfortunately, they are broke, and not doing too well at the fair either as Occult Detectives. They spot the four Justice Leaguers, and go after them, but lose them in the crowd.

By now, they've all decided they are tired and hungry, and go to a restaurant that specializes in Indian cuisine. Guy figures this is sissy food, so he brings in a hamburger. While the girls go off to the ladies room, the boys start to get pissy with each other, but there is nothing unnusual in that. However, in the ladies room, Ice is examining the crystal that Guy bought for her earlier, when she sees the crack...there is a SSSHHHHH, and a flash of light...and a BOOOOOMMM!

Meanwhile, Jack and Petey have hooked up with Max Lord and General Glory, hoping that Max will give them a job. General Glory keeps interupting and moaning about Max's drinking problem, and when Max tells him to shut up, he just says that that PROVES Max has a drinking problem. Eventually however, Max agrees to put the two Occult Detectives to work, when L-Ron informs him of the brouhahaha going on at the Street Fair. On their way to the Street Fair, in Max's limo, they see first Guy Gardner go flying by...backwards, followed by Fire, and even by General Glory, who had gone on ahead.

Ice in the meantime, has been possessed by the Demon imprisoned in the broken Crystal, and the Demon is about thirty feet tall, and very very pissed. Demon Ice is also doing her best to destroy the city, which is always fun in the afternoon. Guy is just devastated, and has to keep reminding the others not to hurt her. Even Fire is impressed by Guy's attitude. Demon-Ice drops Oberon, and Guy saves him, even calling him is "little buddy". Oberon is stunned and repeats the phrase, and Guy apologizes and calls him a twerp instead, which makes Oberon feel much better, but it is a sign of how perterbed he really is.

General Glory...(have I mentioned how much I can't stand General Glory?) keeps attacking and doing stupid flips and stuff all over Demon-Ice's head, which just annoys her. The Occult Detectives keep trying to come up with counter spells, but aren't doing too well. Guy's trying to
sweet talk Demon Ice, which isn't going over very well either, and she bats him away, and he lands headfirst inside a trashcan. The police are talking to Max about having to send in a SWAT team, and Guy panics and says they can't do that, she's the woman that he loves! Then he's horrified that he actually said "love" and denys it as everyone stares at him in astonishment. The little demon guy, Petey the small ugy half of the Occult Detectives meanwhile, has recognized the dialect that Demon-Ice is using and flies up to talk to her. They have a nice discussion, and the Demon agrees to free Ice. Turns out she was imprisoned in the crystal for a thousand years, and just wanted to go home.

So, the Occult Detectives helped save the day,Max discovers that Jack is a crackerjack corporate Lawyer, and puts them both on retainer, and it all ends happily except that General Glory is STILL hounding Max about his drinking.

Ice has of course heard from Fire that Guy admits he loves her, so she tracks him down...



Awwwwww! Isn't that sweet? And Ice is so purty, and so is Guy when he's not scrunching his face up. And finally..

A happy ending! Nobody got killed or shot, or maimed, or turned evil (except Ice, and she was just really confused) . It was written by J.M. DeMatteis, and pencilled by Darick Robertson, which accounts for the good art. Not quite as expressive as Kevin Maguire, but who is? Nevertheless, Roberson does a lovely job with all the expressions

The final story concerns Power Girls mangy horrible cat. She spends a fortune and a ton of time buying it the fanciest cat food, but the only kind it will eat, is the cheapest and smelliest. Then Ralph makes the supreme mistake of giving it a bath. The cat is horrified at its appearance, and immediately sneaks out to roll in the garbage cans for a while. Then it tries to eat Blue Jay, and just about wrecks the place and so on and so on. It is extremely silly, and yet so much fun.

Whatever happened to Peej's cat? Does she still have him? Will he be showing up in the JSA?