Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: "Judgment Day" or Hal Jordan is a whiner

Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!

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Sunday, December 03, 2006

"Judgment Day" or Hal Jordan is a whiner

So enough of the Guy Gardner lovefest, it is time to move onto Hal Jordan. I managed to pick up #175 of Green Lantern, Vol II, called "Judgment Day", by Len Wein and Dave Gibbons, and it is a hoot...although I don't think that is the reaction that the author was looking for.

We open, with Hal meandering through space, basically playing pool with some stray asteroids and moaning about his "exile" from earth, and how hard it is. He finally shows up on Oa, and everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY is showing him the love. Heck, Arisia practically strangles him, even Katma Tui is slobbering over him a bit. Salakk, bless his crankiness, is the only one not gushing, but hey, that's just Salakk being Salakk. It seems that Hal has been complaining about having to be in spaaaaaaace, and not on earth, and the Guardians have heard about it, so they call him into a big conference, so that he can present his case.

The Guardians don't quite understand why he's being such a baby about going back to earth. It is a whole sector after all, and presumably, earth isn't the only planet in it. However, Hal just starts moaning about how lonely he is, and how keeping him away from earth is cruel and unusual punishment...especially since he can't see the woman he LOVES!!! Oh the humanity.

Salakk makes a rather snide comment on how Hal is more interested in earth than in being a Green Lantern, so Hal stomps his little foot and basically says that Salakk is a cold-hearted bitch. Then he turns back to the Guardians and says that he needs his friends, and he's really a GOOD Green Lantern,and buddy, they owe him big.

So, sensibly, the Guardians ask if he wants to resign. Hal comes up with a very moving speech, as follows:
"Once I very well might have, Masters...but no longer! I am a GREEN LANTERN! It's what drives me...and I intend to remain one until I die! But I am...also a MAN...that's what defines me...and a man has NEEDS!" You see Hal has been in exile from earth for a whole year...without poontang! Dammit a man has needs! The Guardians say that they'll ponder his request, and Hal instead of keeping his big fat yap shut, immediately jumps up and starts sassing them, which really isn't the brightest thing for him to do. Instead of incinerating him on the spot however, the Guardians wuss out, and grant his petition to return to earth. Hal of course says, great, thanks, you won't be sorry. And all the other Lanterns...with the exception of Salakk...rejoice.

Hal slaps all his good buddies on the back, although by now Arisia has just figured out that this means that Hal is leaving. Hey, she IS just a kid at this point. Hal even chucks her under the chin and calls her "little sister". Eeeuuwww. He even calls her "perky". Gah! And flies off to earth. Woohoo!

Gosh, everything is just coming up roses for good ol' Hal, until he arrives at the airfield where Carol Ferris is waiting, swoops right in and...finds her kissing another man! AWK-ward!

"A...another guy? Well, what did I expect? I've been gone for a year! A lot of things can change in a year. Did I really think she'd wait for me forever?" ponders Hal. Then he gets cranky, and screams out "Yes, dammit! YES!" and takes off in the mother of all snits. ( Gee Hal, now you know how Guy felt when he saw you snogging Kari Limbo, about a minute and a half after you met her...to tell her that Guy was dead)

Mr. Pouty-pants flies around for a whileand spots a couple of police cars outside a shoe store, where some young punks have taken the customers hostage. I'm not quite sure how much money a tiny mainstreet shoe store would have, but these aren't the brightest thieves in the world. Hal flies down to show them what's for, and even starts calling them "punks". Wow! If Ollie were there, he'd probably be handing the cash register over to them, because they were obviously underpriviledged, but Hal just dares them to shoot him and the hostages...so of course they do, but Hal being Hal, just humiliates and beats the crap out of them. In a lovely visual, he has the lead punk in a ring-generated mouse trap, that looks as though it is crushing his chest. When the cops come in and thank him, he sobs that they shouldn't get used to him saving them...he may not be around much longer.

Although happy that he caught the bad guys, Hal flies off to Ferris and starts packing his bags...which were probably full of year-old laundry. And who should burst in, but the lovely Carol. Hal is in a snit still though and is acting all sniffy and hurt, which of course confuses the heck out of Ms. Ferris. She asks him what the problem is, and Hal says Oh, YOU know, just like a bratty 13 year old girl. He does finally bring up the whole kissing the other guy thing, and of course Carol has to laugh and laugh, because it was all just so innocent, so she and Hal make up and everything is just ducky.

So...Hal is gone for a whole year, but still expects Carol to be waiting for him, probably with slippers and a hot dinner waiting, and has a serious hissy fit, when things don't quite meet his expectations. He expects...and receives...complete love and devotion from all his buddies in the Corps. He expects the Guardians to roll over and give him what he wants...and they do. No WONDER he goes to pieces whenever things don't quite work out.


At 10:24 AM, Blogger Sea-of-Green said...

Ooooooh, Hal definitely wasn't stranded without poontang. He had Dorine/Onu as a companion the whole time. She was head over heels in love with Hal, despite the fact that Hal kept going on and on about how he still loved Carol -- but darned if he didn't mind keeping Dorine around! I've always thought that if Hal, unbeknownst to him, has had a kid anywhere in the universe, it's been with Dorine.

At 10:14 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Which makes his moaning about Carol, all the more hypocritical in my opinion. But I guess that's just Hal being Hal.


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