Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: A Guy and his Gnort: Part Three

Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!

Now with Guy Gardner's Seal of Approval!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Guy and his Gnort: Part Three

Aaaaaaannnndd...continuing from last issue, Guy and Gnort have finally caught up with the faux Guardians, AKA the Poglachi. These are a bunch of clowns who are creating new Green Lanterns at the bequest of the Qwardians, to undermine the REAL Lanterns...and also apparently to have a little fun at their expense. No really, that is their purpose in life. So they introduce the new corps to Guy, who just really can't quite believe what he's seeing.

There is Hubba-7 from Pheromone-5. He just wants to make out with something...anaything. Eeeuuwwwww. There's Patine of Betelgeuse, who keeps changing her hair and makeup and clothes. For REAL happiness, there are Thoom and Boom. Think of Marvel's Thing only made out of bricks. They just fight...each other. That's all they do. Oh and keep score of how many times they've fought each other. Then there is Skronk, an "aficionado of visual action literature." who used to have trouble finding mint and rare issues. And Spudd, who can now watch situation comedies from anywhere in the galaxy, and Blorb...well, Blorb is an artist. And he SURE doesn't look anything like Kyle.

Finally, there is Meralda, who preserves order throughout the Cosmos...by dusting and straintening pictures, and Vixi of ZZix, a strange little fox-like creature who makes the final mistake of giving Guy a hot-foot. Next to THESE guys,
Gnort is starting to look like a model of efficiency.

The "Guardians" finally get around to making Guy an offer they think he can't refuse. Think of all the things that he could do with one of THEIR power rings! They ARE pretty persuasive, and Guy even fantasizes for a couple of seconds...mainly about how to impress those Justice League dames, but the fake Guardians make the mistake of encouraging him, and pointing out how well he'll fit in with the rest of the group. Uh oh. Guy finally loses it and beats the living crap out of everybody, including the final new corps member, a large purple lunk named Buk-50, the strongest furniture mover in the universe. Guy can't believe that this jerk would use his power ring to be a furniture mover, but Buk points out that those guys make pretty good money, and he gets time and a half on weekends and double time on holidays. At this point, Guy's brain just breaks and he blasts him.

Meanwhile, Gnort has been dithering on the ground, not quite knowing what to do. The fake Guardians want him to take out Guy, since he's making mincemeat of Gnort's fellow corpsmembers, but Gnort has a serious canine-crush on Guy and can't bring himself to hurt him. Guy is being attacked by the final member of the corps, and Gnort can't contain himself. He flies up to help Guy, and inadvertently blasts Meralda as she is trying to blast Guy, which hits a mirror, which hits another mirror, which of course hits Guy.

Fade to black. Guy wakes up to find himself clamped to a prison wall along with Gnort. He's delighted to realize that he still has his ring, but when he tries to free himself, he just gets zapped...and nastily. Gnort tells him that the guys who imprisoned them have an "Anti-oan Ring Power" that can counterattack anything Guy tries with his ring. At this point they are interrupted by several Qwardians, who bloviate about Hal Jordan for quite some time, and then demand that Guy tell them where Jordan is. Naturally Guy tells them where to stick it, and they proceed to torture him into telling them where Jordan is located. Guy STILL doesn't crack, so they decide that they'll torture Gnort instead.

"Oh blast. You Lanterns are al lalike...stupidly stubborn. Well, we have
learned how to turn you own idiot virtues against you...we will force you to
talk by torturing your FRIEND!"......(Evil Qwardian)


"You think what YOU experienced was painful? Your friend will know that...and
ten times WORSE! Slowly, slowly his flesh will turn to molten fat...his hair
to cinders...his bones to ash...".........(Evil Qwardian)

"Wait...don't do it. Don't do it...unless you can promise me one thing..."

"And what is that?"........(Evil Qwardian"

"Promise me you'll open a window! I can't stand the smell of burning fur!"

This of course completely stumps the poor Qwardians. Guy obviously isn't quite like dealing with Hal Jordan. *snicker*The head Torturer stomps off in a huff, but demands that they bring the two of them to the CHAMBER OF THE MASTER. Cue the spooky music. Gnort is relieved but still a bit on the confused side, asking Guy to tell him that he was just bluffing. Guy is like oh yeah...sure, heh heh. Meanwhile he has some misgivings about the identity of the MASTER, and turns out to be right when they are dragged in, and see....SINESTRO! Who is of course dead.

Oh wait, there are a whole BUNCH of Sinestros! Including a GIANT Sinestro sitting on a really cool gold throne!!! Cue the cliffhanger!


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