Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: Great Guardians!

Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Great Guardians!

Well...actually let me amend that phrase. Because as of late...the Guardians of the Universe are actually NOT...that great. In fact, they are pretty piss poor examples of omnipotence, to put it bluntly. I used to actually...sort've...LIKE the Guardians. Yes, they were short and blue, and had no fashion sense, but gosh darn it, they were just a little bit adorable. And they had been around for umpteen billions of years, and had, after a few false starts, apparently...created the Green Lantern Corps, and by Cracky, I just LOVE me some Green Lanterns. They also seemed to actually be looking out for the best interests of the Universe, enforcing Law and Order throughout the cosmos, and all that jazz.

Lately however...well...they've been falling down on the job something fierce. After Rebirth, after Recharge, after the Sinestro Corps War, after the idiocy of the Alpha Lanterns, after Blackest Night, after the most recent kerfuffle, the War of the Green Lanterns...their numbers keep dwindling, and they keep GETTING STUPIDER! They get their tiny blue asses saved over and over and over again. Do they express gratitude? No...they do not. Their attitude is..."What have you done for me lately?" And Lately, was two minutes ago, when Hal killed Krona, their oldest and most feared foe. But instead of being happy, that Krona was (probably) out of their hair, they immediately went into the hissiest of hissy fits.

Why you may ask? They had programmed the rings so that they (the Guardians) could never be killed by their own creation...the Green Lantern Corps. When Hal managed to accomplish this particular feat, they were NOT amused. In fact, they were quaking in their tiny blue shoes.

The requirement for being a Green Lantern (besides having a fabulous ass) is that the wearer of the Ring, is able to overcome Great Fear. Countless species throughout the cosmos have been able to accomplish this feat, and to wield their willpower in the name of the Corps. But the Guardians themselves, have been riddled with fear...ever since Hal came back, and the Corps was re-established. They keep making the same stupid mistakes, and they keep failing to trust in their own people. The Guardians obviously are NOT able to overcome Great Fear. Therefore, in my humble opinion, they are NOT worthy of being Green Lanterns...and they CERTAINLY are not worthy of running the whole show! The only thing they seem cabable of caring about is their own miserable azure hides.

I hope...I REALLY hope, that sooner or later (preferably sooner) these adorable little moppets will get what's coming to them. Hard.


At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Jimmy said...

It is coming. I am sure of it.

I assume you will be picking up a copy of aftermath tomorrow to see how this all shakes down?

At 2:45 AM, Blogger MetFanMac said...

On an entirely unrelated note, what's your reaction to DC's official confirmation that Superman's marriage will be retconned out of existence?

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Gary said...

I REALLY hope, that sooner or later (preferably sooner) these adorable little moppets will get what's coming to them. Hard.

Please make it so!

At 10:28 AM, Blogger notintheface said...

They need a Salaak Smackdown!

At 1:28 PM, Blogger SallyP said...

I am SO looking forward to the War of the Green Lanterns aftermath...because I want the Guardians to SUFFER!!!!!!

Man, I'm feeling pissy.

Oh, and Mac, my reaction to the dissolution of Clark and Lois's marriage is about the same as it was when Marvel had the original bright idea to do away with Peter and Mary Jane's marriage.

YOU IDIOTS! Really, is it that hard to write stories about a happily married couple? What does this say about the writer's OWN families? Clark needs Lois. Clark needs the Kents. The idea of a solitary, brooding and more angsty Superman is exactly NOT what I want to read about.

They've made Captain Marvel meaner, they've tarted up poor Mary Marvel, they've got Tora swearing for God's sake, and now they are making Superman "brooding". What the hell is wrong with you people! Is there no room in comicbookdom for NICE people?


Sorry, Mac, I got a little carried away.

At 8:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd settle for the Guardians being cranky old guys who you knew really had hearts of gold, er, emerald, again. Sure, they could be inscrutable and arbitrary even back when John Broome was writing 'em, but they cried like babies the first time Hal bit the big one. (He got better, of course.)

At 5:15 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Arynne, I too, would like to have the old-timey Guardians back. They may not have been emoting all over the place, but at least they weren'the terrified viscious little bastards that they are now.


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