Hal Pictures Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!: Review: Ion #8

Green Lantern Butt's FOREVER!

Now with Guy Gardner's Seal of Approval!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Review: Ion #8

Ok, it's time for a little bit of Kyle love. I have been posting way too much about Hal and Guy lately. First off, I rather liked the cover, a nice homage to John Carter of Mars vibe to it. And alien princesses are ALWAYS fun.

We open with a bunch of Monitors standing around discussing Kyle's fate. Geez, what's to discuss? How can anyone dislike KYLE? He's just the cutest little studmuffin around. That, and he just works so hard at being reponsible and good. He has returned to the planet Alytt, to clear up that little misunderstanding that Nero caused when he was busy blowing up the place, disguised as Ion.

Kyle meets up with the luscious Ariana, daughter of King Mallias, who rules the kingdom of Agaron, and is at war with the kingdom of Hiddai. Ariana is supposed to battle the Hidai champion in some sort of gladiatorial contest, and of course, Kyle jumps right up and volunteers to take over for her. Always a sucker for a pretty face. Of course there is this one little caveat...no use of Ion powers. Oops.

Of course the Hidei show up, and are properly hideous and alien-looking. The Viceroy (EEEEEVIL Viceroy) slobbers in proper evil fashion over Ariana, so OF COURSE
Kyle pipes up:
"Hey, BUG EYES, how 'bout you keep your hands...pincers, claws, whatever...to YOURSELF?"

Oh Kyle.

The eeeevil Viceroy is properly amused and scornful, and gives Kyle a good whack, just to get things going. Kyle wakes up in the middle of the Gladiatorial ring, holding his head and moaning about how he hasn't felt like this since he went on that cruise with Wally and Connor, and...! Oh, how I wanted him to finish that thought! He is then informed that it is a battle to the death, and any shenanigans from him and the princess gets it! Kyle isn't impressed and makes mock of the weird little guy with the giant axe, when it finally dawns on him, that the little guy ISN'T his opponent. Oops again.

Now I've got to admit that I was impressed. Kyle is a sweet boy, but fighting in an arena without using his powers is pretty tough, considering that he's not really much of a hand-to-hand brawler type. John has done some boxing, Guy did a whole lot of brawling as Warrior, and heck, Hal punches people all of the time, but Kyle is a bit more of a finesse type. Nevertheless, there is some nice soliloquizing:

"Not use my powers? Sure, that sounds like a great idea, now that you mention it. I'm TOTALLY down with that. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. While we're at it, let's find me a ten-foot tall freakin' monster to fight...and make sure he has a battle axe roughly the size of IDAHO! How do I get myself into this kind of stuff? Could it have something to do with the gorgeous half-naked alien princess? You know, THAT might be it." Heh heh.

With that as his motivation, lo and behold, young Kyle does pretty darn good! Defeats the giant alien and everything. Then he's told that the fight was to the death, but naturally Kyle refuses...I mean, he IS a hero after all. So the Viceroy gets all pissy and is ready to slice the princesses pretty head off, but of course Kyle takes care of THAT! He's not IN the actual arena any more, so he can pretty much do as he likes. With fairly bad grace the bad guys give in, and Kyle says...Peachy! No, really! I am in heaven.

Back to Ariana's daddy, who is delighted, and thanks Kyle and then tells him that Ariana would like to..."thank" him too. And boy howdy, does she. Kyle is properly bemused, as she IS gorgeous and naked, and all her parts look pretty compatible...I can only assume that based on his past track record, he's a bit reluctanct to give her the kiss of death. However, he manages to get past THAT, when who should show up at the most embarrassing moment...but the inimitable Mr. Gardner...smirking and asking if he's interrupting anything. Heh. A couple of lewd remarks later, and Guy belatedly realizes that he's there to give some bad news to Kyle, not ogle naked alien princesses.

It's Kyle's Mom. And it's not good.

There's also a final scene of the Guardians trying to extract some information from Nero, and they are being pretty hardcore about it. Is it me, or have the Guardians gotten a lot crankier in their latest incarnation? There's even a little subplot left dangling from Infinite Crises, which I am sure doesn't bode well.

All in all a fun book. I like Kyle's new uniform, but I can't help but think that a loin cloth would have been more appropriate...and fun. And oddly enough, there were hardly any butt shots. But still...a worthwhile read.


At 10:36 AM, Blogger Brandon Bragg said...

Hmmm....You need to stop hanging out with the "butt-shots and loincloths" crowd. They're a bad influence on you.


At 3:29 AM, Blogger Ragnell said...

Is this what you were thinking of?

At 10:07 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Dear Ragnell,

THAT'S THE ONE! *Swoons, and fans herself*


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